Abba? Abba! I cry out. Lord where are you?!? Please help me, ABBA SAVE ME! Cold. I feel so cold. I keep trying to breathe, trying to grip onto life before it escapes me but I can’t. I’m being held back by something….or…..someone. I look up to the heavens with tears in my eyes, reaching up both arms towards you. But I can’t touch you, or feel you. I am lying here, broken before you father, asking that you would save me. Its quiet. So quiet. I feel as if I have been lying here for years. This fragile, broken thing. A walking corpse. I slowly start to believe that I. Am. Worthless. God won’t even save me? ABBA WHERE ARE YOU!?!?! I begin to get so angry, just so angry….he has abandoned me. This is not that life that I was created for.

           I think a lot of us feel like this at times, that God is so distant from us and that he doesn’t believe we are worth saving. But the truth is, somewhere, deep down in our hearts; we don’t believe we’re worth saving. We begin to believe the lies that our worth is found in what we do. What job we have. How many friends we have. Volunteering at church. You get the idea. When these things are stripped away from us we wallow in our own pity. I lost my job, my friend said they don’t want to be friends anymore, and my church has fallen apart. We get so focused on being saved, that we feel entitled to it. I believe in you Lord, save me, we demand. Pull me out of this situation and have mercy on your child. God wants to save us, he really does, but sometimes he has to save us from our selves and that’s when it becomes difficult.

            In this situation we have to face our demons and come to terms with the sins we’ve committed and no one likes seeing this dark side of themselves. Our attention is focused on a thing that keep us distracted and that is when Satan creeps in and holds us there. Recently I have had to face some demons in my life and believe when I say it is not easy. I want to believe that I am blameless and without sin, but the truth is I am not. I need this relationship with Jesus I NEED HIM. WE NEED HIM. We all do. With Christ we are made new, we are saved from ourselves and that is where our JOY lies.

            What does it mean to be free? For me, I think it means being free from myself. Throughout my life I have played the part, I’ve gone to church, I’ve read my bible, but I still held onto things that I WANTED. There is a verse in Psalm 37:4 “Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” We often misinterpret this scripture because we believe God will give us the things we want. The spouse we want. The job we want…..we make it all about us. This verse is not really about us at all though. The more we surrender our lives over to God and give him control our wants and desires, the more those wants and desires become aligned to what he has for us. God gives us the desires of our hearts because they are the desires of his for us. The Bible isn’t about us, its about Jesus. Once we face that reality we are bound to experience Jesus in a whole new way. God renews our minds, Romans 12:2 says “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.” None of it is about us, its about what God gives us. We have to receive him every day and his will, surrendering our own.

            This is something I have been trying to put into practice in my own life, and because I am human I fail, I am in desperate need of a savior, and I have to believe I am worth saving. Operating out of my own strength has never really gotten me any where long term and life has shown that to me time and time again. I am currently re-reading a book by John Eldredge, Waking the Dead: The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive. This book is so powerful, seriously go pick it up and read it. The book has got a lot of heart, in fact the whole book is about our hearts. The main focus from my reading today was about God intending life for us. Well I don’t know about you but sometimes I’m pretty frustrated with my life and the situations I constantly find myself in, so I found myself reading this thinking, some life. I am 25 years old, unemployed, and living at home with my parents….what is this life. Then Jesus said, that’s the lie Satan wants you to believe Amanda. You are so much more than that, you are love, you are beauty, you are grace and you are mine. Wow. When I received that truth it opened my eyes to life that Jesus is talking about in the Bible

            Jesus came that we may have life and have it in full, John 10:10. God does intended life for us, and the kind of life he is talking about is ETERNAL life, a life with him rejoicing in his presence waking up every morning with so much joy we can’t help but smile and proclaim our love for our Father. When Jesus died on the cross he gave us this new life and man, what a life it is. When our eyes are opened to his majesty, to his glory, we lose focus on the situations and the circumstance and we fix our eyes on him. Peace always comes to me when I surrender my life to Jesus, every heart break, every confusing thought, every question that I will ultimately never be able to answer, every worry, every concern…EVERYTHING. This is a step by step process and in no way is it easy but narrow is the road that leads to life and few will find it, Matthew 7:14. The road is narrow, so narrow that we can’t allow our insecurities, our doubts, our fears, or our desires get in the way of Gods plan for us.

            I constantly ask myself, Amanda, what is the condition of your heart? Today I can tell you that my heart is good. Believing that truth is the beginning of change, a change I am in desperate need of. I recently had a vision spoken over me and it was sweet and beautiful and a little whisper straight from Jesus to my desperate heart. The woman told me that she envisioned me walking, my footsteps, you know like that footstep poem we have all heard before, but this time it was different. She said she saw the footsteps and its not that Jesus was carrying me but that I was following his call on my life so passionately that my steps were completely aligned with his. PEACE. I have no clue what I am doing, and I know I mess up and fail at times but I am exactly where God has called me to be and no matter what people think, or the world. I am happy being a unemployed 25 year old living with my parents because I get to go to Uganda and spread the gospel, pour out the love that constantly fills me up and I get to fall more and more in love with my savior and that is the truth I choose to cling to. Bottom line, we have all been in the pit, the cold, dark, depressing place that keeps us from God but there is a light, a small but precious light, our way out, and its Jesus.

…….what is that? Wait….WHO is that? I have felt this presence before. Abba, is that you? Papa you are HERE!!! I am so sorry that I was so distant from you for so long!! I AM SO SORRY JESUS. You have given me everything and in my selfishness I took it all for granted and never once thanked you for the favor you have given me. He said to me, “I tell you the truth, no one who has left home, or wife, or brothers, or parents, or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life(Luke 18:29-30.) As the tears began to fill my eyes I spoke, Abba I know that I have traded temporary pleasures for a life of eternal pleasure with you and I know in my selfishness I have caused you pain. Can you for…..and before the words even escaped my lips I felt no more pain. No longer broken. No longer a slave to the desires of a lost soul. I. Am. New. I reached up towards the heavens and a hand came to greet mine. A warm wave rushed over my body and my chains were gone. My God never abandoned me, I abandoned HIM. With that realization I wept tears of JOY, because though I believed I was worthless and not worth saving God had already forgiven me, God has already saved me and he was just waiting for me to realize, how beautiful, how loved and worthy I am……